Love Languages - How They Impact Marriages

Our marriage has greatly benefitted from the simply study of Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  His work talks about the primary way that we like to give and receive love.  I would recommend reading his book or exploring his website, but here is a simple reflection tool to ponder which of the 5 love languages is your primary language.  (The italicized words are copied from Chapman's website)

Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

§ Likes praise, encouragement, and compliments

§ Dislikes hurtful words and deceit

Quality Time

In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

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§ Dislikes distractions or attempting to multitask while listening

Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

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§ Dislikes thoughtless actions and forgotten moments will hurt this person.

Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

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§ Dislikes irresponsibility and laziness

Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

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§ Dislikes isolation and inaccessibility 

After you consider your primary language, consider how it impacts your marriage relationship. 

How do you and your spouse express your love for one another? 

Are you communicating in ways that your spouse really hears?  

What can you learn from this to strengthen your marriage? 

Likes hugs, holding hands, kisses and physical intimacy Likes helpfulness - doing the laundry or getting a cup of coffee or running errands Likes to give and receive gifts – whether it’s a flower or a gift certificate or an extravagant gift Likes to give and receive undivided attention in conversation and activities